Marcelo Ramos Motta: Size Matters!This (1954) letter from Marcelo Ramos Motta to Karl Germer about his sexual fears was considered to be "a lovely weapon" against Motta by the 'Caliphate' in 1979 regarding a potential Court case. The letter had survived in the archive of the late Karl Germer. While the group under Grady Louis McMurtry called 'Continuum' (soon to be called 'Caliphate') got hold of this archive in 1976, Motta was refused access. The compromising letter circulated freely in the circles of the early 'Caliphate' — very much to the annoyance of Motta.
This reproduction serves the discussion of the behaviour and motivations of the participant parties. — It is another one of the many puzzle pieces of a psycho-social phenomenon that is characterised through the inconsistency and subjectivity of its sources.
Baton Rouge, July 2, 1954 Care Frater Saturnus: Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. First, let me give you plainly my opinion on sex and sex morality as far as sexual relations are concerned. I do believe frankly that sexual pleasure may and perhaps should be experienced with both sexes, and not only with sexes, in the human being, but also with animals. When a child I used to excite a male dog I had, and the only reason I never had actual relations with female animals was that I was afraid of creating an "astral race" of monsters with human consciousness and immortality and animal instincts, etc., and I was not sure if that would be right. However, the woman has been curiously absent from my life. When I was young, I think, I was possessed by an older boy who did not let me possess him back, though he had promised it. I was too young to care, but now I remember. At five I actually played with (I remember that with strange excitement and pleasure) a little girl and introduced my penis in her. Unfortunately the gardener discovered us and I believe that was the last time I had such an opportunity. As a child I grew up completely without malice, since my family did not teach me about sex at all (the only thing my mother did about me and the girl was to deny that she and my father had ever done such a thing, as I alleged I had seen them doing it as my defence, and I had. She said I must be mistaken, and I believed her. I would and I still do believe practically anything those I like tell me, and I am many times deceived thereby). I took to masturbation through curiosity. I remember I always had a tremendous attraction towards girls, but I was very timid and would not even dare speak to them. In elementary and high school I had for sometime, because of my odd behaviour, a reputation of homosexual. In high school I had homosexual relations with a negro boy, as I have already told you. I would never look for prostitutes, pretexting that they were degrading (not they, but the fact that one paid them made love something low and dirty). That attitude, I think now, was partially sincere, partially the masking of the fear I had of them. It was a discovery for me when I had my first real orgasm through masturbation. Having a rich imagination, I used to satisfy myself thereby. Later on, a feeling of guilt aroused, half connected with my mystical studies (chastity, you know) half with a feeling that the thing was frustrating and degrading; I was indignant that I had to recur to such subterfuges. Only then I became consciously aware of the fact that I had developed a complex of inferiority because of the size of my penis. My class fellows used to laugh at me, but for a long time I used to think their opinion did not influence me too much; but now I remember that I had had the complex since the first time they laughed at me, and it only grew as through the years other people came and laughed too. When I came in contact with Parsival [Parsival Krumm-Heller, Arnoldo Krumm-Heller's son, from the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua], I had already read his father's works, and was aware of the existence of a mystical school that did not hold complete chastity as essential to go to heaven. I had already been in contact with Levis' books and appreciated them very much, especially the Dogme et Rituel. This later book, however, each time I went around with it, seemed to have a prejudicial influence on me; I would become proud, excessively self comfident and sooner or later I would hurt somebody or do some wrong. Later on, as I grew more, this diminished. I think I have already told you of my few actual magical experiments. I must say I seem to have a natural facility for it. However no persistence, as you know. My first actual relationship with a woman as an adult happened in the United States. I told you something about that, too. I remember this girl helped me very much in getting rid of many inhibitions. I told her of my complex; later on she said she did not think me particularly abnormal. She did not make me happy, as was probably her intention, or appease me, because any refference [sic] to the subject tended only to make me over-sensitive. It was a long time before I could approach anything near a normal erection. We never had actual relationship; because she likes to have sexual relations when she is menstruating, and also because I would object to preservatives. The real reason I objected to them was that I had tried some preservatives already and they were so big in comparison with my penis that it tended only to make me nervous, irritable and ashamed. I told you in the beginning of this letter that I have nothing against homosexual relations. Now I must modify that statement somewhat. I think homosexual relations that are just an escape from normal relations are wrong. I think the individual should learn to enjoy all kinds of sexual pleasure; but the homosexual that is homosexual because he is afraid of, or is repelled by women, I consider a deseased individual. To a great extent I have verified that my sexual impulses towards men are born of that complex of inferiority of mine; the idea of their big penis attracts me; somehow there is a fancy that in having relationship with them I may achieve some of their own hugeness and so on. Mainly for this conflict and also because I wanted to develop normal relationships of women, I have abstained from homosxual relations, and I would like not to practice them (if I may want them in the future) unless my relationship with women is perfectly normal and satisfactory. I was in love with that girl and she used to push me around and take advantage of the fact, because in my ideal of love one should do everything for the beloved, sacrifice everything for the beloved. She had a lover (before she picked me up) and she did not leave him after she began relationship with me. She offered to leave him if I married her. Of course, I refused. My ideal of love is very strange, and I am not sure it is natural. Let us say that it includes complete abnegation towards the beloved - but it fulfils itself only through retribution of such abnegation - it is a give and receive. I don't know if it is right or wrong, but most of the time I gave and the girl (in my opinion) only received. Finall [sic] I broke away from her. I think now she believes she loves me, but I doubt it, and in any case, I am in love with another. I told you about that girl in several of my letters. After I left her I went around with some others. Nothing special happened, because I was frankly timid and afraid. I did not dare to make advances, and I let pass many occasions when the other part made advances by itself, by misunderstanding, perhaps, but I think more by subconscious fear. This last girl I met is very beautiful and a very interesting character. I mentioned her to you. Her rising sign is Taurus and she has Venus in Taurus and the first house, Uranus in Taurus, Saturn in Aquarius, Sun in Gemini and Moon in conjunction with Neptune in Virgo in the fifth house, if I am not mistaken. Her character is still a mystery for me in many ways; she is very charming, very enticing and very stubborn; she seldom is tender. What I know from her past is very little, since I can but repeat what she herself told me. She told me that her stepfather used to beat her, that he played around with her and she developed a repulsion towards sex because of that. She shows tendencies to hitchness, lesbianism and to be frigid; yet she can be extremely passionate. Having the Sun in Gemini, of course (and if I am not mistaken, Mercury in Gemini, too, or Mars — I am not sure of this) she has a difficult personality. She attracted me and picked me up; her magnetism attracted me very much. My experiences with her were very painful; sometimes she would react with repulsion, sometimes she would mock me, all the time she would be scorning, somehow, sex in itself. She is a Catholic and has been to a nun's school; seems to have rigid moral principles and her natural tendencies are in conflict with them. I managed to break through her shell with the greatest difficulty; she immediately identified me with the immage [sic] of her stepfather. This girl made frank mentions in the beginning of our relationship to my size, comparing it with her stepfather. I have disappointed her and myself very much for timidity and lack of courage to take her; had some moral conflicts about it too, but they were mainly my own fear in disguise. Besides, she made me tremendously jealous, because she would go around with plenty of other men besides me, though I don't know if she ever had as intimate relationship with them as she has had with me. Once we performed intercourse partially, she drew back in the last moment. I was drunk. Later on, we might have had complete intercourse, but unfortunately we got together only in her pregnable period, and I would avoid using contraceptives. Let me tell you something more about my ideal of love. I have always thought of the woman as equal to the man; more, I never thought it was fair that men may go around having relationship with any women they want and the women aren't allowed to do the same. At least, so it is in my country. When my mother left my father and went to live with another man, defying all the prejudices of our society and her family, I admired her very much. I want to love the woman and yet let her free; in fact, I want that the very fact of getting appart [sic], in a sense, meaning that there is no dependence on each other and yet there is love for love's sake, not for sake of security of any kind. This my ideal I have come short of in my own behaviour, because of my inhibitions and complexes, I think; also because of my lack of male boldness, stamina, or whatever you may call it, that makes a man take a woman in his arms with comfidence in himself that he will be able to give and receive pleasure. Jealousy is in my opinion no demonstration of love; it is born mostly from inner insecurity. There is, perhaps, some kind of healthy jealousy; but I am not acquainted with it; I am acquainted only with the sicklish one, born of insecurity and fear. One thing that strokes me on this last girl of mine is that, though her principles are Catholic, her behaviour approaches in many things the Thelemite ideal as I have been able to form a conception of it; I cannot define how, but it is a kind of intuition. I might risk saying that she is the Horus type; and yet I can't help thinking that given time or conditions she may develop into a remarkable being, not only a playgirl. Perhaps, however, this is only the subjective influence of my love towards her. She could be a talented and procured courtisan and perhaps will some day; and yet I think she is able to love with a depth and richness that feel women are able to have. She has broken many a man's heart, even young as she is - only twenty, but somehow she seems to have an age-old — too old, perhaps, - wisdom of love and the things of love [Motta was 23 when he wrote this letter]. However, it seems to me that most women have such an instinctive knowledge of love and the nature of love; I knew a girl in Brazil, for instance, who told me that she had never been kissed before me and yet had a natural talent for making love that made me suspect she was lying; and this girl, also, sustented I was the first man who ever kissed her breasts and and played with her, and yet she seems to know naturally much more than I do, or at least she learns faster in many respects. She is superficial, at least in appearance, perhaps in reality; Taurus is generally considered a materialistic sign, but I try to keep in mind that Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. I have come short in my love for her in three things; first, for growing dependent, though never to the extreme of complete surrender; second, for being jealous and wanting her only for myself; third, for not understanding her completely and her needs. I must say at that that she has given no help herself either ... on the contrary, each intimacy with her I had to conquer step by step and we have had many fights and separations; however, either she or I have come back; I out [?] of a sense that perhaps my behaviour was not just. I must say I believe now that it was not if I were strong; but as i am week and insecure, trying to behave as if I were strong is a tremendous strein; worrying about her, worrying about myself, absorbed in the problem of our relationship, discovering deep intimate relationship with a woman for the first time, I left my studies aside, I spent my money, my time, everything with her; she did not thank me for it, and if I were strong, it would not have mattered, as I (theoretically) did not expect gratitude or retribution; but it has been very hard not to cry; try to love me as I love you! She says she loves me, and is she does, by God, she does the Thelemite way in many senses. Yet she has her own deep conflicts and I cannot help thinking that she is as magically attached to her stepfather as I have been to my mother. Her stepfather is a psychoanalitical case; an exhibitionist with sadic tendencies, goes around naked at home, masturbates constantly, etc. He has lost several jobs through exhibitionism; her discovery of the fact, I think, was not one of the least shocks that have created her conflicts. She is not a virgin and I personally believe she has had relationship with him or some other man, perhaps in a moment of drunkenness; she likes to drink. (her father was a dipsomaniac; one of her ears is different from the other; her mother seems an interesting character, and though she never mentioned anything of the kind, I suspect that at some time of her life she was a prostitute or a demi-mondaine. The girl was born in Haiti; her father or mother, however, are French. The stepfather is Dutch. He seems to be one of those men who believe only in brute force to educate a child, but I believe it was mostly his sadic tendencies that made him beat the girl so much as she complains he did; besides, she has always been stubborn and voluntarious and he has done his best to try to break her - he has not succeeded; she seems to have that quality of copper; the harder you beat it, the harder it becomes. Am I right in my diagnosis?) The stepfather is always making advance to her. Her life at home must be much of a hell; she is home, now. I send you a letter she sent me, but I ask you to send it back to me, after you read it. My ideal of love has developed or changed in many things since I know this girl, with which I am in love, much independent of my will, much because I want to love her. The fact that she is so different from me, and yet wonderful in her way, seems to me, is the main reason why I have cultivated and keep cultivating my love for her. It is interesting that I have arrived at an achivement I had not thought of before; lately I have convinced myself that I would not mind if the woman I love had relationships with other men, even if she were my wife. I used to think I would forgive such a thing once or twice, but not more; yet, now my love seems to grow larger than that and to accept more. My natural tendendy is fidelity and constancy in love. Is that wrong? Please tell me frankly. Perhaps what I think is my natural tendendy is only conditioning. Trying to understand this girl, and trying to let her free, I have enriched my personality; but it seems to me that I have bit more than I can chew. I feel my limitations and shortcomings; my complex; my fears; my timidity; and I feel that all those make me jealous, selfish, self-centered, and even mean and revengeful. All these I consider weaknesses. There is a great difference between retribution and retaliation; retribution is much less necessary or just than retaliation makes believe it is. So, I try to consider the woman as my equal and to give her a place in the throne by my side; but it so happens that I have not either a throne or a crown and that is the trouble. Every single girl that has ever picked me up seemed to think that I was a strong character on whom they could rely and depend upon. Everyone, of course, has been disappointed almost completely and in most things. I do not know where they get the impression from; perhaps from my general attitude; yet I do know I may have the capacity to be what they think I am when they come; but I don't know what is lacking. Magical will! Do you think that is it? Do you think I could get it through Yoga? They all need help and come for me for help; I try to help them and finish by needing help myself! If I only had a bigger penis — please don't laugh if I come back to it - that would give me more self confidence by itself, I think. I am always afraid of having an erection: to make advances to a girl I have just met is difficult. To go to the Men's Room is a torture. I go around watching men's penis almost involuntarily; and it is an interesting thing that there seems to be such an intensity of the thought in me that they become self-conscious and look at themselves, sometimes even when they have not actually noticed I was observing them. You told me once and so did Parsival that the size is of no importance. I must disagree. Size is important, with most women I have met. They like the idea of a big penis and one or two have told me so themselves. I noticed I can excite them and make them enjoy even with my size; I seem to have some kind of sensitivity that makes them sensitive too, and my caresses do excite them, that I know. But if besides all that I had a bigger penis — a penis normal to my size of body; golly, I think I would become a kind of Casanova or Liszt! (which has always been one of my ambitions — I suppose that is normal in most young men) So, I register here two troubles of mine: one, physical: small penis; the othr, psychological or spiritual, if you want: lack of inner strength, inner stability combined with plasticity. The physical aspect, I do not know how to deal with. I developed a magical process, but you told me to use it; besides, I am not sure how to stop the growth once it began. I told you about this in one of my letters. Endocrinologists I have consulted have said for all effects I am normal and they are right. I have a small penis, but not abnormally small. Ta, ta. Is there any way I could develop it without your veto, master? ... Now, don't you come to me with that thing about sticking too much to the physical! I stick to the physical as much as I please, and I don't consider myself wrong. If the physical were not necessary, one way or the other, we would not encarnate. I have my own personal theory of evolution, based of course in much of Blavatsky's teachings, but also some things of my own conclusion. To give attention to the spiritual and to forget the things that pass is a very nice thing; but after all, if we have a spirit, we also have a body, and want to overcome limitation in all its aspects, both spiritual and physical. I believe that the finality of evolution in matter is, for the consciousness-form that manifests itself as man, to dominate thoroughly that medium and then to transcend it into a higher form of life and substance; perhaps the animals will be our inheritors when we become as gods, all of us who last to the end, or the thing behind us that moves us does it by itself. But let us say that no transcendence of the medium will be possible without control of that medium. Do you remember in The Book of Lies, when Therion talks about the sorcerer that could make all kinds of miracles and yet was but himself? O.K., I agree thoroughly that it is ridiculous to be like that sorcerer; but I want to have all the sorcerer's powers and still the ones he does not have! In short, I want to develop roundly, all over, my feet below the hells, my head above the heavens. I will admit I stick to the physical very much from a personal, materialistic point of view; but there is also, and I honestly think there is, a question of principle. Spiritual advance is a fine thing; but I hope you won't think me vain or childish when I say that I have quite a lot of it; and perhaps if the medium through which it manifests weren't so weak I would show much more. You yourself admitted the fact once. Another consideration concerning the physical; you once when I told you that I intended to study psychology, reproached me, saying that the psychologists are wrong and there is no point in studying them. I told you that we should help them, since we know more. You said, who cares about them and I answered very naturally, I care, and I do. [Karl Germer had been a patient of Alfred Adler, though] Those people may have all the ligitations they have, but they have been struggling against the deficiencies of the intellect for centuries already of patient research trying to reach a better understanding of man and a better adjustment to life. Their discoveries and half discoveries have advanced the civilization quite a lot; if they were to become interested on our discoveries and processes and convinced of our honesty and our results, that might mean quite an advancement for mankind. Right now there is such a trend with the parapsychologists, who are trying at children to follow on the steps of sorcerers, mystics and magicians. They have however to become convinced that we can teach them something before we can teach them and help them; and since they are blind right now, only through physical proofs we may convince them. Therefore, however great the repugnance towards phenomena and "powers" is, those powers are, after all, a natural by-result of progress and to some extention its signs; as for phenomena, everything is phenomena, one way or the other. I will tell you honestly that if I ever come to have any power at all I am going to work with the parapsychologists and try to develop systematic research among them in the same lines as ours in many things; using, however, a nomenclature more understandable to the average public. So you can see I have many reasons not to consider the physical as non-important, besides the anxiety, ridiculous as it may seem or be, to make my penis grow. As for the other lack, the spiritual lack, I spoke about "inner strength, inner stability combined with plasticity." This is an important concept for me. I want to develop strength; but I want to avoid that kind of rigidity that becomes a paralysis. In short, I want to be strong and, at the same time, plastic. Right now, in my attempts to understand people, I am hurt because of excessive sensitivity combined with lack of strength, become confused by my own conflicts, I cannot understand them as well as I deem necessary. I need therefore to fortify my aura; but I do not want to form a shell. I hope you are understanding me. There is a paradox, here; I must shut myself so that I can remain open; or, I must avoid disturbance and yet I must receive impressions. In short, I must be rigid, unbreakable, formidable as a pyramid or rock, and yet I must be ?amooth?, and plastic as water, and adapt myself, and understand. How can I combine those two factors, which are opposed to each other, at least in appearance? I have not yet been able to express [Motta added in handwriting: I wrote 'expert'; could that have subconscious meaning?'] what I want. Perhaps I could say: I want to be nobody, and yet, be SOMEBODY — but what that somebody or that soemthing is, I can't define; yet I feel I can become IT. It is plastic, so plastic that it can identify itself with the nature of things; and yet it remains itself. Then, only then, I think, I would be able really to love freely and to understand. To be that Thing implies also all kinds of powers. Do you understand what I have tried to implify? If you do, please tell me if it is right or wrong, if it exists or not, if I am able to achieve it, and if yes, how? You have told me over and over again what I must do; this time I want to check; believe me, I'll begin to do something this time, and I have a feeling this time I won't stop. Never forgetting my penis ... is there any way I may develop it that you don't completely disapprove of? ... (control of matter to the extent of changing form, expression, appearance, so on, has been one of the alleged powers of the Rishis, by the way; what is your opinion of that, even if it does not concern the method you may suggest — if you suggest any — I use?) Still on the definition of the strength I want: I want to be able to penetrate and to receive; and to combine them simultaneously. I guess there is little more to say, except about myself [handwritten: meaning, from every-day's live point of view]. I am going to Brazil, to see my family and get an imigrant visa; I intend to come back to the United States and work. I have already a possible location as a salesman; if I am successful, in one year and a half I will have been able to acquire an income that will last as long as the American financial system or the company that will employ me lasts. As soon as I have the money, I will retire from work and beguin [sic] to study again, this time, the things I want to study, not necessarily for a degree, but the things that may help my purpose of helping scientists, if I can. I am not receiving any money any more from my family; I want to be on my own. I prefer to break them the news personally, though I have done it already by letter. While in Brazil, I intend to go to a prostitute and ask her to teach me everything she knows or thinks she knows on how a man should or can excite a woman. Perhaps I will go to several prostitutes. There is a young girl in Brazil that loves me; if I deflower her, without any unnecessary shock, do you think that would be benficial for her? The girl is fifteen, but behaves like a woman. Latin Americans at that age are generally women already. Should I break through the veil of the lies of the centuries? ... She may have after-shocks and conflicts; in the long run, however, it may strengthen her personality. What do you think? Just an opinion of a much more experienced man, not a judgement. I need as much as I can get of your advice, on all subjects, by God! I also intend to go to S. Paulo and talk personally to the editors that are interested in the translation of Therion's works. I'll have Book Four Part I ready before I go. I am going by plane next tuesday [sic], July 6. Don't know how long it will take me to get the visa; in any case, I'll probably spend a month in Brazil. The visa may take more time to get, or less; I don't know. What do you think of my plans for the next future? My address in Brazil, to which I suppose you will answer this letter, is: Marcelo Ramos Motta .... I hope I have in this quite long letter been able to give an idea of what my problems have been and are. Thank you for your very kind words; I'll send the ten dollars as soon as i get to Brazil; have no money right now. Please forgive me and remind me to Mrs. Germer. Love is the law, love under will. [signature]
Traduções portuguesasPeter-R. Koenig: Introdução à Ordo Templi Orientis.
P.R. Koenig: Os Espermo-Gnósticos e a Ordo Templi Orientis.
P.R. Koenig: Criação Extática de Cultura.
P.R. Koenig: A Aura do Fenômeno O.T.O.
P.R. Koenig: O Ambiente do Reich dos Templários — Os Escravos Servirão.
P.R. Koenig: Fetiche, Auto-Indução, Estigma e Rôleplay.
P.R. Koenig: Versão Jogo de uma O.T.O.–Fatamorgana.
P.R. Koenig: Carl Kellner Jamais um membro de qualquer O.T.O.
P.R. Koenig: Theodor Reuss: Avô da Sociedade Antroposófica?
Theodor Reuss: Programa De Construção E Princípios Orientados Dos Neocristãos Gnósticos O.T.O. 1920.
T. Reuss: I° Grau.
P.R. Koenig: Carl Willian Hansen – Dinamarca.
P.R. Koenig: The History of the O.T.O. in America.
Marcelo Ramos Motta: Ritual de Iniciação do Grau I O.T.O.
Marcelo R. Motta: Carta A Um Maçon.
Marcelo Ramos Motta to Karl Germer, July 2, 1954.
Marcelo Ramos Motta about Paulo Coelho and others.
Marcelo Ramos Motta: The Development of a Secret Society in America in the Years 1957-2000.
P.R. Koenig: O Conquistador do Graal.
P.R. Koenig: Uma O.T.O. no Brasil.
Euclydes Lacerda de Almeida - Marcelo Ramos Motta - Kenneth Grant: Documentos 1966-1997.
Marcelo Motta palavras com Euclydes Lacerda de Almeida, 18 de dezembro de 1973.
Claudia Canuto de Menezes: Conheci Marcelo Ramos Motta nos idos anos 70.
Marcelo A.C. Santos: A Verdadeira História do "Califado" no Brasil.
Kenneth Grant/Eugen Grosche: Manifesto da Ordem Interna "O.T.O." Orientis Britânia 1955.
P.R. Koenig: Kenneth Grant e a O.T.O. Tifoniana.
P.R. Koenig: Plano 93 do Espaço Exterior.
Michael Staley: O.T.O. Tifoniana — Uma Breve História.
Kenneth Grant: Concernente ao Culto de Lam.
Michael Staley: Lam: O Portal.
Michael Staley: Um Instrumento de Sucessão.
Michael Staley: Ã Um Vento Ruim que Sopra ...
Michael Staley: Lam Workshop.
Simon Hinton: Sua totalidade na Mente.
Fernando Liguori: Influência Tifoniana.
Fernando Liguori: A Influência Tifoniana na O.T.O. Brasileira.
Fernando Liguori: A Tradição Tifoniana.
Fernando Liguori: Ritual da Estrela Nu-Isis.
P.R. Koenig: In Nomine Demiurgi Saturni.
P.R. Koenig: Saturno-Gnose: A Arte de Amar e Viver.
Fraternitas Saturni: A apresentação solene do Anel de Loja.
Walter Jantschik: Magia Sexual Licantrópica.
Walter Jantschik: A Animação do GOTOS.
Walter Jantschik: A Ordo Baphometis. Uma ordem mágica hermãtico-gnóstica.
Michael Staley, 2003: "Não existe 'Typhonian O.T.O.' Brasileira; nem nada semelhante a isto. Ninguãm está autorizado a representá-la em nosso nome, ninguãm tem nossa benção. Todas e quaisquer alegações são fraudulentas."
Fenômeno O.T.O. página principal | página de navegação | A Aura do Fenômeno O.T.O. | correspondências
What's New on the O.T.O. Phenomenon site?
Scattered On The Floor
Browsing Through The Rituals