Ordo Templi Orientis Phenomenon
provided by Bryony Murds
Preface to the Inquisition II
(Fade up 'Coronation Street'  theme. The scene is set in the front
room of a small back-to-back house in darkest Manchester. Apart from
the black leather curtains covered with studs, and the tattoo designs
plastered all over the wall, this is a typical 'thirty-something'
lounge, with furniture by Courts , and decor by Argos  out of
On the sofa, DRAB SPAGHETTI, an ageing hippy in a shell-suit, is
staring boredly at the TV, while his wife, IMELDA SPAGHETTI, dressed in
a bondage-housecoat, is filling in a newspaper crossword with a
Notes for non-English readers:
 A long-running British TV soap-opera set in the North; originally
priding itself on its 1960's kitchen-sink gritty 'realism', it has
long since sunk into self-parody, but remains mysteriously
 A chain of stores selling cheaply-made furniture at exhorbitant
prices to the masses; their shops always stink of sawdust and
 A chain of stores selling just about everything to the masses,
via catalogues which will surely become vital documents for social
historians of the future.
Pronunciation: an apostrophe - ' - mostly indicates the absence of the
letter H at the start of words, and the letter G at the end of them, in
this particular dialect.
And now, back to the stage-directions...
Fade down theme music).
DRAB: Oh, flamin' 'eck, our Imelda, can't you keep that bloody noise
down? I'm tryin' to watch th' telly!
IMELDA: Well, if you 'adn't used my last bingo-pen to keep your
latest piercin' open, I wouldn't 'ave to, would I?
DRAB: (rolls his eyes and mutters to the ceiling) Oh, 'ere we bloody
well go again! (To IMELDA) Look, you daft ha'p'orth, I've to keep
it in until it 'eals proper, 'aven't I? Unless me extra-large
Prince Albert's in proper, I can't officiate at Twelfth Degree
IMELDA: (Interrupting) I don't know why you put up with them bloody
Yanks! Aye, and that snobby bastard from down south! 'Ow many
pages of instructions was there in that last thing they sent yer?
'Undred or more, like as not! And where's it get you, that's what
I'd like to know? More soddin' semi-precious metal in yer todger
than in that "Sorceror's Apprentice" window, that's what! Oh, why
we didn't stick to readin' 'Magick in Theory and Practice' fer
fun, an' runnin' a flamin' nudie coven, I'll never know ...
DRAB: 'Cos it gives uz street-cred in t'bloody tattoin' an' piercin'
circuit, that's why! After that bugger Lewd Mollocks got 'old of
that soddin' "By Appointment to the Church o' Satan" sign fer 'is
place, you know 'ow trade dropped off. All t' bastard 'Ell's
Angels started goin' to 'is dump in Middleton - so we 'AD ter get
summat that looked dead depraved to attract 'em back, eh? (Tries
to make peace) Look, love, I know it's a wee bit inconvenient,
like, but just think of t' new recruits, and new busines s, it'll
bring uz in, eh?
IMELDA: (Sighs) Oh all right. (Turns tattooing-needle off) I'd done
t' puzzle any road. I suppose t' Caliphate does keep t' wolf from
(There is a thunderous knocking from the front door, followed by a
loud crash; CARDINAL BENJAMINO FEENDISH, dressed in full
Inquisitorial drag - including the pointy hat and red-hot poker -
bursts into the room).
CARDINAL BENJAMINO FEENDISH: Aha! _Nobody_ expects the Caliphate
Inquisition! Oho! Our weapons are three in number: surprise,
coffee, a tape recorder, and staying up till two in the morning!
No, no, that's not right! Our weapons are FOUR in number...
DRAB: Oh, bugger it to buggering buggery...
(...and about there inspiration flagged, thank God.)
Back to the other Introductions
The Transcript itself
More about all this in: Andreas Huettl and Peter-R. Koenig: Satan - Jünger, Jäger und Justiz
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